What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.

I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!

Did I ever tell you about the time I went mushroom foraging? It’s a story with a morel at the end.

What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.

Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.

I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.

What's a shark's favorite saying? "Man overboard!"

What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast!

I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday. I don't think he cared.

How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.

Why did the electric car feel discriminated against? Because the rules weren't current.

I'm such a good navigator, a self-driving car once asked me for directions.

Why do melons have weddings? They cantelope.

What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son.

Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.

I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, "If it is broke, I'll still fix it."

Were did the pumpkins have their meeting? In the gourdroom.

What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a dadda-base.

I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.

What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.