How can you spot a nosy pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’

None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line.

The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and “A rebel. Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’
What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”