A guy walks into a bar and says, ‘Ouch.’” —Sam Richardson


“‘Hey, ask me if I’m a dinosaur.’ ‘Are you a dinosaur?’ ‘No.’” —Jamie Lee


“A couple is lying in bed. It’s the middle of the night and there’s a knock on the door at three in the morning, and the guy gets up out of bed and opens the door. He comes back to bed and his wife says, ‘Who is that?’ And he says, ‘Oh, some stranger who wanted a push. I told him I couldn’t help him.’ She says, ‘What if that was you? What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?’ He says, ‘You’re right. Fine.’ So he gets dressed and he goes out into the darkness and yells, ‘Hey man, are you still there? Do you still need help?’ The guy yells back, ‘Yeah, I do!’ He says, ‘Where are you?’ And he says, ‘I’m over here on the swing.’” —Tig Notaro


“Did you hear what happened when the guy who wrote the song ‘The Hokey Pokey’ died? They couldn’t close his coffin. Every time they put a right foot in, he put his left foot out.” —Felipe Esparza


“Why’d the man get fired from the orange-juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.” —Craig Robinson
 
 
“I was in premed, and I remember one time I was doing rounds, and a guy had been in a motorcycle accident and broken his jaw — it was all wired shut — and he said: [Muffled sounds.] They say, ‘Well, we have to feed you through the back door.’ So they flipped him over on his stomach, and they put a funnel in his ass. He says, ‘Well, I’m kind of hungry. What’s for lunch?’ They say, ‘We have roast beef, broccoli, a baked potato, and hot chocolate.’ [Muffled sounds of agreement.]  So they pour it down the funnel and he goes, ‘OH!’ And they said, ‘Too hot?’ and he said ‘Too sweet!’” —Martin Short
 
 
“Two whales are sitting at the bar. One turns to the other and goes, ‘Aaaooooowhhhooo ooooooohhhoohh.’ And the other one goes, ‘Man, you are drunk.’” —Cecily Strong
 
 
“This guy goes to a silent retreat where you don’t speak at all for a year. He stays in this little room, and after three months, the room is freezing cold. So he goes to the leader of the retreat and goes, ‘My room is very cold. Can I get a blanket?’ The guy gets the blanket and he goes back to his room and continues his silent retreat. Three months later, There’s a leak in his room and he goes back to the leader and goes, ‘There’s a leak in my room. Can someone come and fix the leak?’ They fix the leak, and he goes back to his room. After nine months, he goes back to the leader, and he goes, ‘This retreat is not going as well as I’d hoped. I’d like to leave.’ And the owner of the retreat goes, ‘Yeah, I think you should. You haven’t shut the hell up since you’ve been here.’” —Gina Yashere
 
 
“How did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.” —Sam Jay
 
 
“A panda walks into a bar. He orders some food, and then the bartender gives him the bill. He gets up, walks away from the food and the drinks, and gets to the door. The bartender goes, ‘Hey, man, what are you doing?’ The panda bear goes, ‘I’m leaving.’ The bartender goes, ‘You can’t leave. You’ve got to pay me right now.’ The panda pulls out a gun and fires two shots in the air. He’s about to walk out the door. ‘Are you fucking crazy? I’m gonna call the cops right now.’ The panda bear goes, ‘It’s what I do, look it up. Check an encyclopedia.’ The bartender opens up the book; it says, ‘Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves.’” —Hasan Minhaj
 
 
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? ‘Dam(n).’” —Rory Scovel
 
 
"This guy gets a horse, and when he says, ‘Thanks be to God,’ it makes the horse move, and when he says ‘Amen,’ it makes the horse stop. One day, the guy gets on the horse and he says ‘Thanks be to God,’ and the horse starts bolting. He’s trying to get the horse to stop and the horse won’t stop, and he’s getting close to a cliff. He shouts ‘AMEN!’ and the horse stops. He’s really relieved, and he sighs ‘Thanks be to God,’ and the horse runs off the cliff.” —Dennis Feitosa
 
 
"What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? One’s a dollar 99, and the other one’s under a buck.” —Fortune Feimster
 
 
“What’s the difference between a Camaro and an erection? I don’t have a Camaro.” —David Sedaris
 
 
“What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ‘Where’s my tractor?" --Bobby Moynihan
 
 
“Hello everybody. What a great wedding that we’re at! Weddings, they have three rings. The first ring is the engagement ring. Then you have the wedding ring. Then, finally, you have the suffe-ring!’” —London Hughes
 
 
“A duck walks into a bar and is like, ‘You got any grapes?’ The bartender is like, ‘No, get out of here.’ Then the next day, the duck walks into the same bar and goes, ‘You got any grapes?’ The bartender says, ‘Like I told you, we don’t have any! Get out. And if you come in here one more time, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor.’ Then the duck comes in the third day and goes, ‘You got any nails?’ Bartender’s like, ‘No.’ And the duck goes, ‘You got any grapes?’” —Jo Firestone
 
 
“Why do musicians go on the road? To see their kids.” —Bobby Moynihan
 
 
“So these two guys are put in a cell in prison together, and one guy goes to the other guy, ‘How long you in for?’ He goes, ‘I’m in for 25 years,” and the other guy goes, ‘Well, I’m in for 30, so you better take the bed near the door since you check out first.’” —Colin Quinn
 
 
“Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a damn? It’s a chicken.” —Liz Meriwether
 
 
“I was walking down the street once, and I bumped into a man who had an orange for a head. I said to the man, ‘Why is your head an orange?’ And he said, ‘Once, I found a dusty old lamp, and I rubbed it and a genie came out, and he said ‘I’ll grant you three wishes.’ I said, ‘What did you wish for first?’ The man said, ‘For all the money in the world. I ended up a multibillionaire, so much money, and I spent it on all my wildest dreams.’ I said, ‘What was your second wish?’ He said ‘I wished for a beautiful wife, someone who gets me to my soul, understands me the way I’ve never been understood before, and who I understand better than I’ve ever understood any person.’ I said, ‘Okay, what was your third wish?’ And he said, ‘I wished for my head to be turned into an orange.’” —James Acaster