Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.

What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.

How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.

Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.

I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.