Dad Jokes
 

•    My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
•    My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
•    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
•    After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
•    Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
•    My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
•    My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.
•    “Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
•    I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
•    “Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”
•    My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."
•    Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
•    "Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."
•    One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”
•    I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
•    I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
•    My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
•    My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.