Puns and One Liners

One day, YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace.
 
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
 
I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
 
Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist. 
 
Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at. 
 
70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.
 
It’s called gross pay because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes. 
 
Bravely killed a bug at home. Then realized it was a piece of lint. 
 
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines. 
 
Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -Groucho Marx
 
I was going to tell a carpentry joke, but I couldn’t find any of that woodwork. 
 
An Irishman walks out of a bar. 
 
Learn to spell… AutoCorrect isn’t always write. 
 
The fact that Head & Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called  ‘Knees & Toes’ disappoints me. 
 
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. 
 
I walked past a farm, and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought that was an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.
 
What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas? Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one. 
 
I sympathize with batteries. I’m not included in anything either.
 
I like what mechanics wear…overall.
 
Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? His left ear, his right ear, and his wild frontier.
 
Doctor: I’m sorry, but we had to remove your colon. Me Why?
 
Velcro is a complete ripoff. 
 
A lawyer told a judge, “My client is trapped inside a penny.” The judge said, “What?” The lawyer said, “He’s in a cent.” 
 
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office. I’m on season 6, but I’m not sure what it’s got to do with security. 
 
The CEO of Ikea was appointed Prime Minister of Sweden. He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
 
I once survived the fallout from moving an image 1 cm to the right in Word.  
 
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them and says… “What is this, some kind of joke?”